November 2007
“Triggers”
I wanted to discuss “Trigger’s” this week and for those of you old enough to remember I am not talking about Roy Rogers and his trusty steed riding off into the sunset through the Oklahoma prairies.
You know how you can look at a situation all different ways, but then someone puts just the right combination of words together to trigger an emotional response?
It’s pretty crazy.
After encountering the word in writing or conversation our brain retranslates it back to it’s corresponding image and we get the picture, so to speak. Now, this process is so automatic for us to such an extent that we really do not pay much attention to it. We are so used to it in our fluency as communicators that we can process thousands of words in intricate sequences and never think of the actual work our brains do.
Our brains are absolutely amazing, they never sleep. Even when our hearts cease to keep our bodies alive our brain is the last thing that dies.
Images communicate information in a more direct way. Unlike with words, when we see a familiar image we don’t need to translate it in our brains. We already know what the image is as we have a ready match of it in our memory. The process I’m talking about here is so incredibly fast, that it is difficult to comprehend.
Now for me personally, I have a few (bad) “Trigger’s”. Like “Old Spice Cologne”, because that was what my abuser wore, the color “powder blue” because that was the color of the room where he abused me when I was nine years old. And for years I was unable to watch “The Drew Carey” show because that is what he looked like, almost identically in fact.
And then there is “Felix the Cat” cartoons because when I was in first grade I came home for lunch everyday to watch that, but on one particular day I walked into the house to see my mother laying on the couch and my brother’s father on top of her pummeling her to a bloody pulp and I can vividly remember the only white on her face was where her tears had been falling. I recall my eyes shifting back and forth from the television then back to my mother as if my brain was searching for a safe haven for me, an “escape” if you will.
He almost killed her and she spent nearly three months in the hospital recovering physically, but emotionally she never did, my mother has huge trust issues regarding men and she probably always will which is completely understandable ,given the situation.
“Trigger’s” affect us all whether we want to admit it or not, they are a part of our lives every minute of everyday, and we have our brains to thank for that.
If we are trying to quit smoking we refrain from being around people who do because once we smell the aroma of that cigarette burning, our brain triggers an immediate response, and the same scenario is true of alcoholics trying to stay sober, we want it and we want it now.
Storytellers are natural “button pushers”, the focus of their craft being to manipulate emotional responses in others.
A good storyteller has a special vision, he or she is able to see the human emotional “control panel” with all its ware. This “control panel” is visible only to the most perceptive storyteller.
In a sense, only the storyteller who is truly aware of the human emotional makeup can reach us on a deeper level. We have all picked up a book and read it from front to back in one sitting because we were so very emotionally drawn to it, we felt that connection, it “triggered” something in our brains.
And then there is deja vu, you know what I mean because again this is something we have all experienced. You are going about your daily routine then all of the sudden without warning you feel the familiarity of something, is it a forewarning of things to come in minutes, hours? A feeling of already done this? So is it a way to stop or cause you to pause, in whatever you are doing at the moment? That then possibly prevented something or made you pay attention closer?
A lot of people consider it to be of the paranormal nature, past life transgressions and so on, I am not really sure how I interpret deja vu, but the feeling I have is the “been there, done that”. Maybe trigger words fall into the deja vu category.
What I do know for fact is that I am thankful that most trigger word for me bring back good memories and it seems as if the older I become and the more I “talk about” the bad, the more I am able to heal and see the good in people.
I have learned to manipulate the bad triggers into helping me become a better mother, a better partner, a better friend. Everything in life happens for a reason and sadly enough we seem to learn more from the bad than we do the good, but maybe it is supposed to be that way, maybe it is our brains way of protecting us from repetitive mistakes.
So, maybe “bad triggers” are not necessarily all that bad. What are your triggers and what are they saying to you? And, are you listening?
I hope you all have a wonderfully prosperous week!
~Cee~
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Ethics 101
“Ethics can be defined as the collection of moral value’s and norms functioning as standards, a yard stick if you will for assessing and measuring the integrity of one’s conduct.” (Benjamin, 1990).
But what exactly are “Moral Value’s” and why is it that some of us have none, while others proclaim to possess them, and do not “practice what they preach?” Technically, ethical behavior and moral value fall hand-in-hand, you cannot possess one and not the other and if you claim to, are you a hypocrite?
Last night I watched an episode of the Tyra Banks Show on the Oxygen channel regarding the publics reaction to “Ethical Dilemma’s“. It portrayed a number of different scenario’s.
The actor’s pretended to be a couple ensued into a verbal confrontation, which then leads into a somewhat physical pushing and shoving match. In the “straight couple” there seemed to be a more concerned reaction, even to the extent that a man intervened trying to protect the woman. And another called 911 to report the incident.
Then a gay and a lesbian couple were portrayed under the exact same conditions and not one person intervened; in fact, the majority of people walking past stared and laughed, but then quickly went about their business as if the gay couple was less important.
In another scenario, a woman is visibly intoxicated and trying to get into her vehicle, again, the passersby stare and laugh as she stumbles and falls repeatedly trying to unlock the passenger door with her keys. Then a small child is introduced into the equation. She is shown seated in the back seat with her mother telling her to get her seat belt on and then and only then does anyone stop to intervene. Was it more ethical to let her get behind the wheel by herself than it was to have her daughter with her?
If you were aware that one of your friends was cheating on their partner, would you tell? Or would you cover it up? What if they were both, mutually close to you– what then? Would you do what most do and simply stay out of it? “Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil“. And although I am not proud of it, I am also guilty of this behavior in the past, but I would have to say that now, there would be no question as to my “getting involved” because as I grow older, my priorities grow as well.
I was just discussing this subject the other day with a close friend of mine. We have all experienced it I am sure, you go out to a club and see someone you know is in a “monogamous” relationship out by themselves, they get intoxicated and conveniently forget they are in a relationship and of course, most of us avoid getting “involved”.
We are a society of “ I don’t want to get involved“ we really are. We would rather look the other way, rather than “stick our noses in it“. If my partner was behaving that way behind my back and one of my friends witnessed it, I would expect them to tell me. As their friend I am entitled to honesty and respect, and if they didn’t come forward to me, I would feel completely disrespected.
I have and I will get involved, maybe it’s the Irish “take no shit mentality“, I am really not sure. There have been instances where I have witnessed “ethical or moral dilemma’s” and have gotten involved despite what the consequences may be, even once, having my friends angry husband pull a gun on me, because he was beating her and I moved her out and into her own apartment in the middle of the night, while he was at work. She stayed away for three months but then went back, but that is on her, I did what I could to help her and her daughter.
I guess I look at it as hopefully someday “God forbid” if I am in a situation (which I have been) that is detrimental to my health and well being somebody will step up to the plate and “pay it back” by helping me out.
Seven years ago I was in a physically abusive relationship, one night, in particular, sticks in my mind and probably always will. She had gone out with her friends and came home drunk and coked up at three in the morning. Then proceeded to drag me out of bed and beat me to a pulp, because I didn’t keep dinner warm for her.
We had planned a cookout and bonfire weeks earlier for the following day. Several of our “close” friends came over and saw my scratches, black eye and numerous bruises and not one of them asked me how I had gotten them…not one. The following Monday I had my own apartment and moved out while she was at work.
My “friends” then admitted to me after the fact that she was well known for that particular behavior, but not one of them thought it important enough to forewarn me, was their decision ethical?
Isn’t it ironic that we treat animals more ethically humane than we do one another? If a large dog is picking on a small dog, most of us would grab the first available broom stick and try to break it up, but what if it were two gay men or two lesbians in the same situation, would you stop and help? Or would you stare, laugh and go about your daily routine as most would?
What if your friend or even an acquaintance was intoxicated and trying to get into their car, would you intervene, or simply say, “Be Careful” or “Hey, call me when you get home”, what if they don’t make it home, what if someone else doesn’t make it home because of their behavior, how would you feel knowing you could have done something but chose not to?
Maybe if we all developed ethically moral values and treated one another with respect the issue’s plaguing our society wouldn’t be so prevalent. Maybe if we were not a society of “Chicken Shits” this would be a much safer world for us all.
There wouldn’t be entire neighborhoods disappearing, because drug dealers forced out all of the good families. Women’s shelters would be almost non-existant because the person that promised to love and protect them the rest of their lives wasn’t using them as a punching bag. Our children would be playing hop-scotch and baseball instead of attending a funeral to say goodbye to a parent.
I am petrified for our children, if it is this bad now I can only imagine what the next 10-20 years will be like. I do not proclaim to have all of the answers; nothing could be further from the truth. What I do know is things have to change and they have to change immediately.
I hope you all have a wonderfully prosperous week!
~Cee~
———————————————————————-“Same sex parenting”
For as long as I can remember, I have always declined to ride along with the so called societal norms, if there was system, I rebelled. I always chose to be different and not conform. I am a rebel, but at least I am a rebel with a cause.
Normally I try to relate my articles to my personal life and our community and what affects us as a whole, and this is a subject I believe needs to be “put out there” for obvious reasons.
This coming fall my girlfriend and I have decided to try to conceive a child. Initially we were considering contacting a company based out of Columbus called “Cryo-Bio” but we have since found a suitable donor.
He is a very dear friend who possesses all of the qualities that we desire, and I love him with all of my heart. He is handsome, intelligent, sweet and wants very much to be a part of “our” child’s life which in our opinion “ices the cake” because we want very much for him to be involved.
There are many pro’s and con’s whereas this subject is concerned. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but not as far as what goes on in someone else’s bedroom. Straight society, and not necessarily “all” of straight society would much rather that “we” (gays and lesbians) not be afforded the luxury of reproducing or adopting children.
They have the un litigated fear that God forbid our “disease” will be unnecessarily transmitted to our children, which is outrages when you consider that we were all born from “straight” parents and somehow (by the grace of God) their “disease” was not passed onto us, because in our case, two “straight” parents did not produce a “straight” child so why would the latter situation prove to be any different?
Children growing up in same-sex parental households do not necessarily have differences in self-esteem, gender identity, or emotional problems from children growing up in heterosexual parent homes. “There are a lot of children with at least one gay or lesbian parent,”
Between 1 million and 6 million children in the U.S. are being reared by committed lesbian or gay couples, those are phenomenal statistics when you think about it. Children being raised by same-sex parents were either born to a heterosexual couple, adopted, or conceived through artificial insemination.
The vast consensus of all the studies shows that children of same-sex parents do as well as children whose parents are heterosexual in every way, In some ways children of same-sex parents actually may have advantages over other family structures.
I have two daughters, and they are both well adjusted well rounded intelligent young ladies. More times than I can count they have made me so very proud. They both maintained honor roll grades, they do not get into trouble, are polite and very intellectual.
In fact, some studies showed that single heterosexual parents’ children have more difficulties than children who have parents of the same sex,” “they did better in discipline, self-esteem, and had less psychosocial difficulties at home and at school.”
Same sex parents also have contact with extended family, have social support, and a more equal division of labor in the home, simply meaning, household chores are a shared responsibility so children growing up in this atmosphere learn and adhere to the same responsible behaviors as adults, thus carrying on these traits to their children.
Many gay and lesbian parents worry about their children being teased, and Laura and I are no exception, it is not right but the reality is that it happens. Children learn from their parents so if they are witnessing that form of behavior at home, they in turn will behave in the same manner.
For instance, two years ago my youngest daughter Jenna was walking home from school and the neighbor boy was walking behind her taunting her saying, “Your mom is a dyke”. Repeatedly he did this and Jenna calmly replied, “Please stop saying that”, he continued a couple of more times and then my mild mannered sweet natured daughter who has never so much as to hurt a fly proceeds to stop, turn around and slugged him in the mouth. So there he lay on the sidewalk, crying, dazed and shocked by what had just happened and my daughter looks down at him and simply says…”I told you to stop” she then continued to walk home.
She was more concerned by what I might think than she was about the consequences she may face at school from the principle. She didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want my feelings hurt. Ironically he got into trouble not her because her school teaches tolerance (my tax dollars finally paying off).
Laura is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am so deeply in love with her, she is my partner, my lover and my best friend. Being a mother is incredible and I want so very much to experience that with her. Of all the titles I have worn throughout my life, being a mother has been the most rewarding.
Gays and lesbians have achieved so much but we have so far to go. As time passes society has become more accepting towards us, but there will always be “Archie Bunkers” in the world.
We all deserve the same rights irregardless of our sexual orientation, religion or race. Hopefully someday we can all sit back, relax and take the time and energy that is spent on upholding what we should already have and focus on the more pertinent issues at hand.
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred and sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It just means they need more supervision”.
I hope you all have a wonderfully prosperous week!!
~Cee~
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